Sunday, March 4, 2012

Finley came to me in tears. "Mom, I miss Mammaw. I don't want her to be an angel. I want her to be a normal person so I can see her. I didn't get to hug or kiss her goodbye."

I will have this talk with her many, many times in the coming years and the thought is heartbreaking. But a worse realization is that there will come a day when she won't ask about her. My daughter was four years, three months and three days old when she lost her grandmother. She won't remember that they cooked together, went on walks outside, had tea parties, danced and laughed together. How very much my mother loved her.

And that is what wrenches my heart the most.

Keeping someone's memory alive for the duration of a child's life is a daunting and exhausting task. It is a job that some days I fear I am not capable of. Some days I feel like I will surely fail.

But I will try. Because my sweet daughter deserves a grandma, even if it is only the thought of her.


  1. Oh, sweetie. I know. I know, I know, I know. Grace was 20 months old when my mother left us, and I realized just last week that even the knowledge that she was alive and knew her grandmommy at one time had left her. She had been assuming that my mom died years before she was born. And sometimes, I don't event think I have the strength to explain. It still hurts to explain that her grandmommy was at the ultrasound when they told me I was having a girl. That her grandmommy flew to Florida just as quickly as she could after she was born five weeks early. That I used to get mad at her grandmommy for taking her out of the car seat in the back of my car. God, it's awful. I know.

  2. Oh, dear heart. :( I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm sitting here with my eyes swimming - I can only imagine how hard this is for both of you. Sending you both bucketfuls of love.

  3. Thank you both for your words. <3

  4. Just crying while reading your post :( So totally true to keep her memory always present with Fin. So, so hard to let go and continue on with "life". Bless you both friend!